Ask A Beaver
Feel free to post your dating or relationship questions to us here. If you have a question for either Susan or Sandra, please indicate who you need the reply from, and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. If you have a private question, please email us at beavertalk@beavertalk.com. Cheers!
Cheating!
When is it cheating?
Is it physical, mental, or either?
Is flirting cheating?
Is it the point at which the individual would not like their partner to be doing what they are doing?
Is it the point at which the individual thinks their partner would not like what they are doing?
Some would be hurt if their partner found another person attractive or interesting. Is this cheating?
If one partner were so liberal as to not mind what their partner did with another person, would it still be cheating if they went beyond what others would consider to be cheating?
In very controlling relationships, one partner could become hurt or upset if the other were to speak or even look at another person. Most would say that the hurt party was over-sensitive, but if what was done, regardless of how seemingly petty to others, genuinely hurt that person’s feelings, is it cheating?
We cannot live without interaction with others outside our relationships. At what point does enjoying the outside party’s company/attention/conversation become cheating?
We will all see qualities in others that are not inherent in our partners. Is it cheating if we are intrigued/excited/warmed by those qualities?
Norma.
Hi Norma, Thanks so much for taking the time to send us your question. Here are my thoughts:
I think the question “is it cheating” is directly relative to the relationship you have with your partner. To clarify, each relationship has boundaries that we either know of or do not know of. Sometimes the way we find out what those boundaries are is by crossing them according to the other partner’s standards. Cheating has been defined as both physical and mental, however in my opinion, unless there is physical contact in the form of sexual relations/gratification it isn’t officially cheating.
The reason I say it isn’t officially cheating without physical contact is because it is human nature is to fantasize about others…it is the way our minds calculate the variables to decipher if the person we find attractive is possibly a good mate for us. Without this instinct, we would likely never have developed as a species. Procreation is an instinct, and for those who stay monogamous, the internal struggle is always there to find someone better, stronger, smarter to mate with, but not act upon that instinct when it happens.
An example of cheating (in my mind) relates to one of our recent episodes – What Is Too Kinky? In this we discussed partner swapping or swinging. Albeit for this event to occur in a married or committed relationship, both parties have to consent to swinging. However, the simple act of having sexual relations with someone other than your committed partner is not only a sign that there is something seriously wrong with your relationship, but it also signifies that neither of you are satisfied with your current monogamous sexual encounters. Commitment is about boundaries and you cannot be committed to each other and have sex with other people at the same time. You would have to be completely emotionally void in order for this scenario to be successful and no human being I know is that emotionally void. As Susan pointed out, every couple she knows of who has tried swinging has ended up divorced.
You succinctly stated “We cannot live without interaction with others outside our relationships. At what point does enjoying the outside party’s company/attention/conversation become cheating? We will all see qualities in others that are not inherent in our partners. Is it cheating if we are intrigued/excited/warmed by those qualities?”
My husband was beside me when I read your message, and his comments on your observation were this: When you mix the sexes up, he firmly believes that it is impossible for a man to have a woman friend and not be constantly thinking about having sex with them. Those who never act upon a sexual urge with a female friend are exceptionally rare, and have enormous respect for their female friend.”
I have often said that people fall in and out and in love with each other in long-term relationships. It is the times when we have fallen out of love with them that we are weakest, and that weakness is 90% of the time linked to some other problem in the relationship. If they resolve the issue without resorting to officially cheating, then they will be victorious. Fantasizing about having sex with someone else outside your committed relationship is not cheating, but be wary of the specific boundaries your partner has on the issue by having an open and honest discussion about it. No relationship survives by trying to read each other’s minds or making the assumption that your views on this subject will by their views also. The surest way to prevent the possibility of cheating is by communication…the one thing we are forgetting how to do with each other as our lives become more & more complex.
I hope my perspective has been of help to you.
Cheers,
Sandra.