Is Elin Nordegren going to take Tiger Woods back after more than 15 sexual affairs?   How can a person get past all these infidelities and resume their relationship?   Susan offers a great interview with Mick Lolekonda, exploring the reasoning why women go back to the men that cheat on them over and over again!  The Elin & Tiger Woods situation is the backdrop for the discussion. 

XOX The Beavers

SpandyAndy’s Facebook Image

Looking back at who you were in high school vs. who you are today can be a telling exercise. Who we hung out with, whom we dated, our experiences with people, especially the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your thing) all shape our future experiences in the dating world.

Were your relationships with people ok, indifferent or awesome? Were you popular or bullied? Were you a science geek or a jock? All these elements of your past have molded your future from every aspect – jobs, family & how well you do in relationships with partners.

Case & Point: There is a very interesting character here in Vancouver named SpandyAndy. He is a street performer, dominantly a dancer and is truly amazing to watch. I’ve seen him driving around town in his bizarre & bold spandex outfits dancing feverishly to the 90’s beats blasting out of his giant ghetto blaster strapped to the back side of his motorcycle. What does this information have to do with relationships and how they shape your life? SpandyAndy is who he is because of how he handled relationships in school. Here’s a quote from his Facebook page:

“I love to entertain. Making people laugh, smile, or even give me a bizarre stare, is so fulfilling. Ever since I was a child I have been off the wall. To combat bullying or any harassment I would get weirder and weirder. The bullies wouldn’t know how to handle it. I’ve now realized that’s what shaped my life.

By being SpandyAndy I put myself out there to show the world you don’t have to be afraid. It’s unbelievable how many people are afraid. There are even people afraid of a 5 foot guy dancing around in colorful spandex to 90’s beats. Think about it for a second lol.

What’s my goal?
1. Perform
2. Inspire
3. Spread Smiles
4. Support myself doing this as my career.  Thank you everyone who supports my dream! Stay tight and bright – SpandyAndy”

You’ve just got to love his philosophy on life, and it came from his personal experiences as a youth.

Looking back to you and your relationships, if you have trouble keeping relationships together, it may be because you had problems with relationships as a kid or young adult and are repeating negative patterns today. We often repeat patterns and not know why or even recognize them. How your parents dealt with their relationship also has bearing on how you deal with partners, co-workers, bosses, etc. What position you were born in, your Birth Order (Wikipedia) can have a big impact on how you deal with others as well.  Another interesting article on birth order is here at The Power Of Birth Order (Time Magazine) where it offers various research & studies on how birth order impacts your IQ among other things.

If you are having problems keeping relationships together, take a good look at how your past has shaped your current life and nail down where the issues stem from. Knowing the problem is half the battle to solving it.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were? This is a good question for anybody in the dating world that is over 40 years old.

How does knowing this affect your chances of success in the dating world? Simple, it’s a matter of narrowing down your options in the same way an advertiser would, by target marketing their ad campaigns for their product or service to a specific group.

So what are you marketing here? Is it a product or a service? The correct answer is both.

Lets assume you are in your early 40’s, but don’t think of yourself as “old” in the same way all your other 40 year old friends do. Often, finding a companion amongst your “old” minded friend’s singles circle isn’t going to net you someone who is a younger thinker like you.

What’s next? You’ll be considering putting your name out there in other places, such as dating services, both online and offline. But by all means, don’t stop looking within your own social circles for the right person to date. You just never know where these connections will lead.

Now is the time to market yourself to the waiting dating world. Its time to bring out your white lab coat and clip-boards people! You need to make a check-list of your best qualities, as well as decide what kind of qualities you are looking for in a companion. Be specific and general in your list, and then rank these qualities based on how important they are to you.

Chances are, if you’ve dated recently or been in long term relationships in the past, you are quite aware of what turns you on and off, so start with a list of things that you know are absolute necessities. For some table manners are a huge thing, (some people just can’t handle it when others chew with their mouth open, or drag a fork through their teeth when eating). Maybe to others this would just be down right picky, but you know yourself better than anyone else, so if you have to be picky, then so be it. The point here is to be true to yourself.

Remember that a perfect ten visually usually means there is something major amiss somewhere else! After all, there is only one Bo Derek in this world! This tidbit could well be the tipping point between having a relationship and being a one-date-Jane/Joe.

We all have very strong opinions about what we want our companions to look like, but at the end of the day, everybody knows that looks are actually secondary when it comes down to compatibility and longevity. Go for personality first, then make looks your secondary priority. Get past the good looks kick and start broadening your visual horizons. Once you get past that, you’ll be well on your way to discovering just how many really amazing people there are out there for you to choose from. Conversely, if good looks are your number 1 item on your check-list, then be prepared to have a more difficult time than others in finding a long term companion.

One final word of advice is this:Don’t believe for one minute that you will be able to change a person’s personality traits or habits once they are in their 40’s. That my friends would be time well wasted. They are who they are – accept it or move on.

Who seriously wants to be single during Valentines Day or through the Christmas / New Years holidays? Chances are that list is a short one, but all too often couples that are struggling in their relationship decide to break up just before these “big” events.

What is the psychology behind this thinking? The answer is that commitment becomes the forefront of the relationship around major holidays and people are often forced to come to terms with how they really feel about their partners.

Valentines Day is associated with love and romance, so if you aren’t feel it, then it will only amplify the stress fracture in your relationship’s foundation. The Christmas & New Year’s holidays are associated with family, love, caring, sharing, giving, celebrations, and for those who are not feeling confident in their relationships, this can be a heart wrenching time. Sometimes they panic and just jump ship. Sometimes they hang on through the holidays and then break it off with their partner just shortly after.

The problem with this is that it is twice as hard on the person who gets let go of. We all know that 90% of the time when people break up the recipient of the bad news is “the last one to know” and often is quite shocked. Add that to doing the deed just before a major holiday or time of celebration and you’ve offered up a double whammy. Not to mention it is super embarrassing to have to tell your family and friends that your boy/girlfriend broke up with you just before Christmas or Valentines Day!

If you are in that kind of situation now, and with Valentines Day fast approaching, please consider how hard this will be on the one you are thinking of breaking up with. Nobody wants to visit the Heartbreak Hotel. Decide if this is really just you feeling pressured by the upcoming national celebration of love day, or if it’s something much deeper that is making you consider moving on without them.

Please have a conversation with them and talk about the things that you feel are wrong with your relationship. Please do not wait until two days before any major event to tell them you can’t be with them anymore. And please, for crying out loud, do NOT break up with them over the phone or by sending them a text message! If you do, you will go down in flames with not only your ex, but also anybody s/he tells about it. Another really horrible thing to do is to start dating somebody else before you break up with your current partner. I’ve been both the culprit and the recipient of this scenario, and trust me when I tell you it is THE most hurtful thing you could possibly do to another emotionally.

It is THE hardest thing to tell somebody face to face that it is over – you are done – you can’t be with them anymore. On the flip side, you will be respected, you will get to properly hear their thoughts on what is wrong with the relationship, you might learn a thing or two about yourself that makes you a better person and you will both be better people for dealing with it in a mature manner.

Who knows, maybe all the things you thought you could not change are in fact easily fixed. Maybe you will discover that a time out is the answer, rather than a full-blown ”I bought you a one way ticket to Lonelyville.” Maybe you will discover that your partner is also feeling that it is time to move on. If you don’t ask the questions, you will not get the answers that help you and your partner move forward, whether it’s together or apart.

Cheers, Sandra.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, we’re getting high,
Smoking a bong, and wondering why,
We’re getting hungry and think we’re so fun
It’s than damn BC Bud again….

Giddy up, sit up, attempting to walk
It’s enough to just try to talk…
Our mouth is dry and can’t feel our feet
That’s the BC Bud…
That’s the BC Bud
That’s the damn BC Bud….

Web Series THE EX-HOUSEWIVES OF VANCOUVER-EPISODE-#4 (Follow Up with Carly Campbell from Ep#1)

Host Susan McCord goes on location to Ceilis Lounge in Vancouver to see Ex-housewife Rocker Chick, Carly Campbell perform Live with her band. Self esteem has worked it’s magic and Carly is back from her divorce with a vengence! Her performance is electric and not without an entourage of young male admirers! She is one sexy hot divorcee and full of life. Her dating world has opened up since her last interview and she is having the time of her life. Carly is an inspiration to other ex-housewives out there everywhere!

Web Series THE EX-HOUSEWIVES OF VANCOUVER-EPISODE #3 With Luba Sasowski

Beautiful Ex-Housewife Luba, shares her story of the breakup of her long term relationship and the demise of her job in the corporate business world. Once her large pay cheque took a spiral downward, her Ex became less interested in them as a couple. Her life fell apart so badly she ended up in hospital in a pretty bad state. The toxicity of both her job and her relationship became too much to bear. Less than a year later, Luba’s self-esteem bounced back stronger than ever and now owns her own business. Her dream of having a unique and inexpensive waxing salon became a reality and she is now on her way to a successful career where her passions have always been.

Web Series ” THE EX-HOUSEWIVES OF VANCOUVER-EPISODE #2 With Kerri Cates

Kerri is a personal fitness trainer in Vancouver who left her 7 year common-law relationship due to an abusive and addictive situation. Her Ex became heavily involved with hard drugs and Bank Robbery. His numerous arrests and jail time left Kerry with a broken heart and much needed repair to her self esteem. Listen to her story and how she got through it all to become the women she is today. Everyone can learn to move on from even the scariest scenario with an Ex.

This is a subject that needs addressing. How often do you have to listen to your friends rehashing their past relationships over and over again? They never seem to get over them? This happens way too often! Susan & Sandra discuss the problems with burdening your friends and family with constantly bringing up old relationships.

Yes it hurt when they broke up with you. Yes it hurt when they cheated on you. Yes it hurt when they moved out and didn’t tell you why. Everyone has a story and they all hurt terribly regardless of how your relationship ended.

Relationships are there for a reason, season or a lifetime. Sometimes we just pick the wrong people to fall in love with (over and over again). We don’t see the red flags that scream “they’ve found somebody new”. Either way, regardless of how it happened, you need to get over it in a timely manner. Your friends will listen to you, and advise you, and care, but ONLY if you learn from the situation or get professional help if you need it.

Only a true friend will have the courage to say “I’m tired of hearing about your break up” or “I’m done watching you repeat the same mistakes”. It would be a wise idea to listen and get your act together. When you have overstayed your welcome in the “woe-is-me” department, you could lose important people in your life, by abusing your their generosity in listening to you whine about your Ex for 2 years. Get a grip, get over it and please move on, it’s time…..xoxo The Beavers.

VIEWER QUESTION:

Hi Susan,
I am a single Mom who is starting to go stir crazy due to the lack of male affection I receive. My son is 12 years old and I have raised him by myself for 9 years. His father has limited contact due to his “busy lifestyle”, which gives me 90% access time with my son. I am starting to forget what sex is, and do not want to become one of these bitter women who really just need to get laid! I would be happy if I just had sex once every 2 weeks at this point. It doesn’t have to be a relationship, but I would like it to be with the same guy. Can you steer me in the right direction?
Lonely Mom

ANSWER:

I can totally relate to your question as I had a similar situation while raising my son. There is definitely something to be said for having every other weekend to yourself when your child goes to see the other parent! We all need to re-energize! Our “Friends with Benefits” video may be a good one for you to watch, as we talk about having a partner that is strictly for sex, (with very few strings attached.)

Is your Ex abstaining from enjoying a good sex-life? I think not! Times have changed and both sexes deserve to feel loved or at least sexually satisfied. Get yourself out there and meet a great guy that you can have reciprocal interludes with. You can set your own boundaries and still feel good about yourself. Put that spring back in your step, wipe off the cobwebs and enjoy what nature gave you to use. Orgasms are the new Prozac for Single Moms!
xoxo Susan McCord