Is Elin Nordegren going to take Tiger Woods back after more than 15 sexual affairs?   How can a person get past all these infidelities and resume their relationship?   Susan offers a great interview with Mick Lolekonda, exploring the reasoning why women go back to the men that cheat on them over and over again!  The Elin & Tiger Woods situation is the backdrop for the discussion. 

XOX The Beavers

SpandyAndy’s Facebook Image

Looking back at who you were in high school vs. who you are today can be a telling exercise. Who we hung out with, whom we dated, our experiences with people, especially the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your thing) all shape our future experiences in the dating world.

Were your relationships with people ok, indifferent or awesome? Were you popular or bullied? Were you a science geek or a jock? All these elements of your past have molded your future from every aspect – jobs, family & how well you do in relationships with partners.

Case & Point: There is a very interesting character here in Vancouver named SpandyAndy. He is a street performer, dominantly a dancer and is truly amazing to watch. I’ve seen him driving around town in his bizarre & bold spandex outfits dancing feverishly to the 90’s beats blasting out of his giant ghetto blaster strapped to the back side of his motorcycle. What does this information have to do with relationships and how they shape your life? SpandyAndy is who he is because of how he handled relationships in school. Here’s a quote from his Facebook page:

“I love to entertain. Making people laugh, smile, or even give me a bizarre stare, is so fulfilling. Ever since I was a child I have been off the wall. To combat bullying or any harassment I would get weirder and weirder. The bullies wouldn’t know how to handle it. I’ve now realized that’s what shaped my life.

By being SpandyAndy I put myself out there to show the world you don’t have to be afraid. It’s unbelievable how many people are afraid. There are even people afraid of a 5 foot guy dancing around in colorful spandex to 90’s beats. Think about it for a second lol.

What’s my goal?
1. Perform
2. Inspire
3. Spread Smiles
4. Support myself doing this as my career.  Thank you everyone who supports my dream! Stay tight and bright – SpandyAndy”

You’ve just got to love his philosophy on life, and it came from his personal experiences as a youth.

Looking back to you and your relationships, if you have trouble keeping relationships together, it may be because you had problems with relationships as a kid or young adult and are repeating negative patterns today. We often repeat patterns and not know why or even recognize them. How your parents dealt with their relationship also has bearing on how you deal with partners, co-workers, bosses, etc. What position you were born in, your Birth Order (Wikipedia) can have a big impact on how you deal with others as well.  Another interesting article on birth order is here at The Power Of Birth Order (Time Magazine) where it offers various research & studies on how birth order impacts your IQ among other things.

If you are having problems keeping relationships together, take a good look at how your past has shaped your current life and nail down where the issues stem from. Knowing the problem is half the battle to solving it.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were? This is a good question for anybody in the dating world that is over 40 years old.

How does knowing this affect your chances of success in the dating world? Simple, it’s a matter of narrowing down your options in the same way an advertiser would, by target marketing their ad campaigns for their product or service to a specific group.

So what are you marketing here? Is it a product or a service? The correct answer is both.

Lets assume you are in your early 40’s, but don’t think of yourself as “old” in the same way all your other 40 year old friends do. Often, finding a companion amongst your “old” minded friend’s singles circle isn’t going to net you someone who is a younger thinker like you.

What’s next? You’ll be considering putting your name out there in other places, such as dating services, both online and offline. But by all means, don’t stop looking within your own social circles for the right person to date. You just never know where these connections will lead.

Now is the time to market yourself to the waiting dating world. Its time to bring out your white lab coat and clip-boards people! You need to make a check-list of your best qualities, as well as decide what kind of qualities you are looking for in a companion. Be specific and general in your list, and then rank these qualities based on how important they are to you.

Chances are, if you’ve dated recently or been in long term relationships in the past, you are quite aware of what turns you on and off, so start with a list of things that you know are absolute necessities. For some table manners are a huge thing, (some people just can’t handle it when others chew with their mouth open, or drag a fork through their teeth when eating). Maybe to others this would just be down right picky, but you know yourself better than anyone else, so if you have to be picky, then so be it. The point here is to be true to yourself.

Remember that a perfect ten visually usually means there is something major amiss somewhere else! After all, there is only one Bo Derek in this world! This tidbit could well be the tipping point between having a relationship and being a one-date-Jane/Joe.

We all have very strong opinions about what we want our companions to look like, but at the end of the day, everybody knows that looks are actually secondary when it comes down to compatibility and longevity. Go for personality first, then make looks your secondary priority. Get past the good looks kick and start broadening your visual horizons. Once you get past that, you’ll be well on your way to discovering just how many really amazing people there are out there for you to choose from. Conversely, if good looks are your number 1 item on your check-list, then be prepared to have a more difficult time than others in finding a long term companion.

One final word of advice is this:Don’t believe for one minute that you will be able to change a person’s personality traits or habits once they are in their 40’s. That my friends would be time well wasted. They are who they are – accept it or move on.

Angelina Jolie conversations are almost always a guaranteed heated debate between the lovers and haters camps. Susan and I have talked about Angelina Jolie on a few occassions, and we ended up doing a video called “Jennifer Anniston Got Screwed”, which was recieved quite heatedly by the Jolie lovers’ camp. Talk about brutal comments! LOL…we were litterally lambasted by fanatical followers of Jolie on Youtube, and it was actually quite amusing to see just how many people defended her like she was their own child. Our sincere aplogies for having an opinion…NOT!
(scroll down to read more!)

So then, out comes the Branjolina tell-all book by Ian Halperin (December 1, 2009). Halperin has written several other books and his #1 seller about Micheal Jackson (prior to Jackson’s untimely death, which Halperin also predicted) was equally as controversial with fans. My first thought was that Halperin would have to go into hiding like Salman Rushdie until the Jolie fanatics calmed down enough to put their steely knives away…in say 30 years?

Here’s the round up on Halperin’s new book, titled Branjolina and released December 1st, 2009:

1. Halperin states he knew that Anniston and Pitt were over long before anyone else did

2. Says that Jon Vought (Jolie’s Father) was an exemplurary father and the rumors otherwise are wrong

3. Halperin says he went out of his way to be fair to Angelina and Brad in this book

4. States that Jolie has a major problem with anger and has sought professional help for years because her violent outbursts. He says it’s so bad that she can literally turn on you in an instant.

5. Talks in detail about Angelina’s ability to be the “Master of Misdirection”, meaning that everything she does is for a destinct purpose to hide the ugly truths about her.

6. Halperin has the balls to say that he knows more about Angelina than Brad Pitt does, and that Brad will be the first in line to get a copy of his book. Modest? Not so much!

7. Haplerin gladly admits that Jolie and Pitt have put themselves in danger on many occassions while working on their humanitarian efforts. It is said that they donated over 6 million dollars to charity in 2009.

8. In a Howard Stern interview, Halperin predicts that the couple will have split in within the next 12-18 months

9. Talks about Jolie’s drug addictions, incest with her brother (she publically kissed him quite passionately at the Oscars) and her stints in psychiatric wards.

10. States he went under cover on many occassions (even to the pshych ward Jolie was admitted to) to get the truth – the real story behind the woman everybody loves to hate

11. Says Jolie is an amazing talent, but not many of her films have made money. The few films that she has done well, have paid off hugely.

At the end of the day, based on Halperin’s research, it appears that Susan and I were quite right on our observations about Jolie and the affair that nobody wants to admit happend between Joile and Pitt while Anniston & Pitt were still married. Are we patting ourselves on the back a bit – well, yes! But the real point of this blog post is to emphasize Howard Stern’s observation on the subject of Jolie, and that is “She went from Lunatic to Princess.” Master of misdirection indeed!

Who seriously wants to be single during Valentines Day or through the Christmas / New Years holidays? Chances are that list is a short one, but all too often couples that are struggling in their relationship decide to break up just before these “big” events.

What is the psychology behind this thinking? The answer is that commitment becomes the forefront of the relationship around major holidays and people are often forced to come to terms with how they really feel about their partners.

Valentines Day is associated with love and romance, so if you aren’t feel it, then it will only amplify the stress fracture in your relationship’s foundation. The Christmas & New Year’s holidays are associated with family, love, caring, sharing, giving, celebrations, and for those who are not feeling confident in their relationships, this can be a heart wrenching time. Sometimes they panic and just jump ship. Sometimes they hang on through the holidays and then break it off with their partner just shortly after.

The problem with this is that it is twice as hard on the person who gets let go of. We all know that 90% of the time when people break up the recipient of the bad news is “the last one to know” and often is quite shocked. Add that to doing the deed just before a major holiday or time of celebration and you’ve offered up a double whammy. Not to mention it is super embarrassing to have to tell your family and friends that your boy/girlfriend broke up with you just before Christmas or Valentines Day!

If you are in that kind of situation now, and with Valentines Day fast approaching, please consider how hard this will be on the one you are thinking of breaking up with. Nobody wants to visit the Heartbreak Hotel. Decide if this is really just you feeling pressured by the upcoming national celebration of love day, or if it’s something much deeper that is making you consider moving on without them.

Please have a conversation with them and talk about the things that you feel are wrong with your relationship. Please do not wait until two days before any major event to tell them you can’t be with them anymore. And please, for crying out loud, do NOT break up with them over the phone or by sending them a text message! If you do, you will go down in flames with not only your ex, but also anybody s/he tells about it. Another really horrible thing to do is to start dating somebody else before you break up with your current partner. I’ve been both the culprit and the recipient of this scenario, and trust me when I tell you it is THE most hurtful thing you could possibly do to another emotionally.

It is THE hardest thing to tell somebody face to face that it is over – you are done – you can’t be with them anymore. On the flip side, you will be respected, you will get to properly hear their thoughts on what is wrong with the relationship, you might learn a thing or two about yourself that makes you a better person and you will both be better people for dealing with it in a mature manner.

Who knows, maybe all the things you thought you could not change are in fact easily fixed. Maybe you will discover that a time out is the answer, rather than a full-blown ”I bought you a one way ticket to Lonelyville.” Maybe you will discover that your partner is also feeling that it is time to move on. If you don’t ask the questions, you will not get the answers that help you and your partner move forward, whether it’s together or apart.

Cheers, Sandra.

VIEWER QUESTION:

Hi Susan,
I am a single Mom who is starting to go stir crazy due to the lack of male affection I receive. My son is 12 years old and I have raised him by myself for 9 years. His father has limited contact due to his “busy lifestyle”, which gives me 90% access time with my son. I am starting to forget what sex is, and do not want to become one of these bitter women who really just need to get laid! I would be happy if I just had sex once every 2 weeks at this point. It doesn’t have to be a relationship, but I would like it to be with the same guy. Can you steer me in the right direction?
Lonely Mom

ANSWER:

I can totally relate to your question as I had a similar situation while raising my son. There is definitely something to be said for having every other weekend to yourself when your child goes to see the other parent! We all need to re-energize! Our “Friends with Benefits” video may be a good one for you to watch, as we talk about having a partner that is strictly for sex, (with very few strings attached.)

Is your Ex abstaining from enjoying a good sex-life? I think not! Times have changed and both sexes deserve to feel loved or at least sexually satisfied. Get yourself out there and meet a great guy that you can have reciprocal interludes with. You can set your own boundaries and still feel good about yourself. Put that spring back in your step, wipe off the cobwebs and enjoy what nature gave you to use. Orgasms are the new Prozac for Single Moms!
xoxo Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION:

I have a friend that is very depressed that she is still single at 40. She has never been married but turns her nose up at men she meets that have also not been married. She also makes comments on trivial things about men and won’t see them again because of it. I don’t understand her double standard and feel this is why she isn’t meeting someone. I have told her she is being negative, and her “high Maintenance checklist” is ruining her chance of meeting a quality man. She just shrugs it off. She is becoming bitter and it is hard to be around her. I seem to be her only support and her family has never been there for her. What advice do you have for her?
Concerned Pal

ANSWER:

What a great “pal” you are for taking the time to write on her behalf. The message I get from what you wrote, is that she is sabotaging her own happiness by finding fault with each guy she meets. Many people do not feel they deserve to be in a loving relationship and judging by what you said about her family, this is probably the case.

If you weren’t shown love as a child, it is hard to know what it is, or how to bring it into your life. She sounds like she may be getting angry as the years go by, because she hasn’t dealt with this underlying issue. It is interesting how human nature works sometimes. The one thing we really want, we push away! It is all about self-esteem in the end. I would advise that your friend seek some counseling very soon, or she will not only remain single, but also lose you and other friends who are tired of her negativity. It’s never too late to make changes in your life.
xoxo the beavers

VIEWER QUESTION:

I am a 32 year old single woman. A guy I am interested in texts me regularly but we have never dated. He is definitely flirting with me and I know he is playing hard to get. How long should I wait for him to ask me out in person?
Patricia Patience

ANSWER:

Hi Patricia, thanks for writing. The beavers do not believe in hiding behind a text or voice mail. If someone is interested they do not need 15 messages to start the process. You did not say you had actually met this guy, but regardless, texting should not go on for too long before you set up some type of meeting. It is the same for online dating! Why spend all that time chatting before you even lay eyes on each other? (Chemistry is everything initially.) Who has time to waste with small talk! Let’s get this out in the open and see if he actually wants to make something happen.

Women today need to approach men as well. The days are gone where it is all about men having to do the initiating. In your next text to him, ask if you could buy him a coffee in the next few days. If he makes excuses as to why he is so busy for the next week you will have your answer. If he answers quickly with “when and where,” you will be happy to know your instincts were right! Both sexes need to get away from this mixed signals attitude. Don’t wait for them, if you are interested make the first move. Don’t be aggressive, be assertive. If they blow you off, move on. Don’t become a bunny boiler.
xoxo the beavers

Too much sex hurting your back? Learn how to alleviate back pain with these simple “at home” exercises and avoid regular visits to the Chiropractor.

Find a space in your home that allows you to move around freely. Wear something comfortable that enables you to stretch. (Naked is better as clothing can be restricting with some of these moves.)

Take two tennis balls and put them in a tube sock about 3 inches apart. (If the sock is tight you will not have to tie an knot in the end of the sock to keep the balls from coming out) Put the sock behind the part of your back that is sore and gently roll on it. (Grab your knees and use a rocking motion) If the pain is close to your tail bone, you can adjust the balls in the sock closer together to accommodate the smaller area. (Be gentle around tendons and ligament areas) Space the balls further apart for the wider part of your back) This is a great exercise for relieving the stress between your shoulder blades as well. Especially if you are the partner on top during sex!

The Groin Stretch is also used to keep your back from going into a Spasm. If your groin muscle gets tight from having your legs around your partner, it pulls your back forward causing lower back pain over time. To do this, kneel down and put your left leg forward in a 90 degree angle with your body upright. Your left hand should rest lightly on your left knee. Your right leg is behind you with your right hand on your hip. Lean into a stretch so your right leg feels the groin pull slightly. Do not bounce, ease into the stretch slowly and hold for 60 Seconds.

Repeat this action with the other leg and do at least 3 repetitions for each side. This muscle gets ignored because people do not know how to release the {tag-tec]tension[/tag-tec] it receives on a daily basis, especially during sex or excessive stair climbing/hiking. Implementing these stretches 3-5 days a week will help with any back pain especially as you get older.

Tips & Warnings:

Stretching is even more important as we get older

Using the tennis ball/sock routine daily will alleviate your Doctor’s Visits

De-stressing your back and groin muscles, keeps them relaxed and less prone to seizing up.

Use light pressure with the tennis balls and keep direct pressure off of your spine.

Never bounce when stretching and always ease into a stretch

What makes you horny and what makes you sexuallyattracted to someone instantly? Ultimately, that is what we all want when we are looking for that perfect partner. Someone that makes a woman’s panties moist from across the room, or for men they get the 21-gun salute crotch bulge. How often does this happen? Not as often as you’d think!

So why don’t we all just splash “Androstenone Pheromone” all over us and sniff each other as quickly as dogs do in the park? Why are we all so scared or reserved in approaching someone, and what the hell are we saving ourselves for? Why are we spending hundreds of dollars on dating improvement CDs, seduction videos and oral sex classes at our local love shops? The answer is simple…because we want to be the best we can be sexually, and attract the same back.

We don’t want to have the habitual relationships that our grandparents lived in the past. We don’t have to because we have more opportunities today than they ever had. So lets talk about what men and women are attracted to and what really makes them horny!

WHAT WOMEN LOOK FOR:

1. Can he tie a maraschino cherry stem with his tongue?
2. Is he stand-out attractive like the Calvin Klein underwear model?
3. Does he have a strong presence (can you visualize him sitting on a Harley)?
4. How he dresses…is he wearing a men’s small to bring out his biceps?
5. His career & ambitions, does he sit crooked due to the bulging wallet in his back pocket?
6. Sex appeal…can you picture him holding a wet bath towel on his erection?
7. Hands & feet: Are his shoes a size 13?
8. Is he sober??? (at least not slurring anyway!)
9. Offers to buy you a drink and chooses a Grey Goose Martini over a Lemon Gin pantie remover
10. NO GROPING

WHAT MEN LOOK FOR:

1. Nice figure…definition: Big Tits
2. She has a healthy appetite…can swallow a foot long hotdog whole!
3. Is she a sexy dresser and brings along with her extra attire for the walk of shame morning after?
4. Does she smell wonderful…definition: reeks of sex!
5. Does she like sports and can actually tell you who A.Rod, Leftie & The Great One are?
6. Does she have a pulse after midnight? Definition: Breathing and isn’t sporting a toe tag

So there you have it…the essential list of what makes men & women REALLY horny!
xoxo The Beavers