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Welcome to Susan McCord’s Advice Column at www.beavertalk.com. All questions pertaining to Dating/Relationships Lifestyle & Alternative Lifestyles will be answered. This “Gender Friendly” Advice Column will always give you honest, non-judgmental answers to varied questions you may have. Men’s and Woman’s Issues are discussed openly. Don’t be shy, Susan isnt’! Her answers will be bold and to the point. No sugar coating in this column! Readers will always have “something to think about” with her responses.

Please submit your questions to: sybersue@shaw.ca

VIEWER QUESTION: I am a 30 year old Male…

Hi there Susan, I need you to answer a question for me. I am a reasonably attractive 30 year old male and have no trouble meeting women for the most part. What bothers me is the attitude of many of the women I seem to come in contact with. They come across really high maintenance and stuck up! I frequent many different venues but all the women seem to be the same. I do have an affection for beautiful ladies who are under 25, do you think that could be the problem and maybe I should try dating older women?
Fed Up Phil

ANSWER:

Hi Phil…I am glad you wrote in about this, as many other male viewers feel the same way you do. I always ask them the same question: “Did you observe any of these women before you spoke to them?” You mentioned that you like beautiful women under 25. You are stereotyping these women to be high maintenance but you continue to go for this type. Pardon me for saying this, but have you ever considered yourself to be high maintenance also, and you will only date in a certain league?

There are many gorgeous women who are also really sweet, but you seem to like the ones who are a lot of work. If you spent some time watching a girl you were attracted to, you could tell so much about her in less than 15 minutes. See how she reacts to the waitress or other people she comes in contact with. Check out her body language. Is she confident, cocky or rude? Does she smile easily? Does she pay attention to her friends or is she all about meeting a guy or having her drinks bought for her?

In answer to your last question, older women can be great. They usually don’t play games, which makes them easier to meet and more fun to date. If you are really attracted to your own age group though, you don’t have to give up that priority. Just don’t make it all about T&A or if she looks good on your arm walking down the street! Ask yourself why you are going for these Hollywood Trophy Types. I hate to use a cliché Phil, but “beauty truly is only skin deep.” If she doesn’t have some of that on the inside too, it is only a matter of time until her looks will fade on the outside. Give the nice girls a chance too, you might be surprised how attractive they really are! Keep in touch~

Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: Help I am a Paranoid Woman Who Checks my boyfriend’s…

Call me paranoid but I have a habit of checking the history on my boyfriend’s computer. I’m quite often horrified to find he’s been at a number of porn sites. I’ve checked them out and they don’t seem to be anything illegal but they are extremely graphic. I have not yet raised the issue but I’m scared he’s addicted to them as our sex life isn’t what it used to be. How do I know if he’s a sex addict or is this normal for a man in his 20s?
Paranoid Porngirl

ANSWER:

Whenever a relationship starts playing out like a Spy TV Series, you are with the wrong partner. The fact that he hasn’t spoken to you about his porn affections, means he is not comfortable talking to you about it, or “owning” this fantasy.

If you were sexually open as a couple, he wouldn’t have to be secretive. Start talking to him regularly or remove yourself from this scenario. You shouldn’t be going through his computer history at any time. It could be you are the one with the problem, and that problem is lack of trust. Have you ever asked yourself why you are truly with him? Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: Am I A Gossip?…

I work in a small company where the employees work very closely with one another. A few weeks ago I was complaining about one of my colleagues and I’m sure she overheard. I’m not usually a gossip but I was very upset and disappointed by her work performance. Now everyone is taking sides, making it personal, and the atmosphere is very tense. How do take back what I said to her when the situation has rippled into a major problem for all?

Gossip Girl

ANSWER

You started this ball rolling so it is up to you to stop it from escalating further. You need to get everyone together for a meeting and apologize for your gossipy behaviorr. Anytime you are annoyed by a co-workers performance, it should always be discussed privately. It is a lot harder to “disappear” in a smaller office, making diplomacy a needed tool when problem solving.

Learn from this situation and improve your work environment by being upfront and honest with everyone. Backstabbing comments are hurtful and no one wants to be on the receiving end of that. Let me know how it works out.
Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: My Best Friend’s Fiance Is Hitting on me…

I hate the man my best friend is marrying. He is abrasive, chauvinistic and sometimes I even feel like he is hitting on me. I don’t even feel like I can approach my friend about this because she keeps telling me how perfect he is for her. Can I tell her how I feel?

Caring Friend

ANSWER

This is your “best” friend so it should be a no-brainer. Diplomacy is everything when discussing sensitive subjects. Leave out the hurtful parts about him humping your leg at any given chance, and start off gently with something you, and a few other friends noticed. There is an old saying that if more than two people tell you the same thing, you should listen!

Women really need to be more like men when it comes to these issues. Men say it like it is, and don’t hold a grudge. Don’t let her make the biggest mistake of her life. It is worth a little confrontation if it means saving her from a life of relationship Hell. We could all use a friend like that!
Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: HELP! My Life Is Crazy & MY Sex Life Is Diminishing…

Dear Sue:
I live a very full and great life. I have a family and a dog and a great partner. I do work full time, and I am putting in time to develop my own business on the side as well. Needless to say juggling it all and still having a social schedule is a challenge, as I am sure it is for all of us out there. Even though everything is pretty wonderful in my life, and I would not swap it for anything, but I have to admit I feel tired and stressed out all the time these days! (Just like a suburban mother!!) I do take care of myself, but lately I do not feel nearly as sexy as I used to in my single days. Any ideas to help??

From The Suburban Housewife

ANSWER

Like many working mothers today, we are all doing too much for everyone else and giving ourselves the leftovers! This pretty much amounts to 15 minutes of quality “Me” time in a 24 hour period. You need to write out a strict weekly schedule that allows time for you & you follow religiously. This needs to include at least one hour per day that is just for you! No one can bother you with anything, no exceptions! Whether it is sitting in a bubble bath, going to a yoga class, having a friend over, or reading a sexy novel, it is all about YOU for that time frame. You need to let go of the guilt of not doing something constructive at every moment of your day!

You didn’t say how much your partner helped out around the home? Be honest with yourself and answer truthfully whether you feel there is equality in that respect. If you are both working, you both should be participating 50/50 in your partnership in every area. More often than not, women do take on more in the relationship because we are nurturers from birth. (That is why we were given the womb!) The kids need to have daily chores, or if they are too young, hire a neighborhood kid to walk the dog after you get home from work, or to mow the lawn, or get your groceries. It will be worth the money for the time and stress you save.

Now, how to feelsexy again: Your man has to help out with this one. He has to desire you and tell you he does, to get you in the mood after a long day. Men always want sex, so he needs to be the instigator[/tag-tec for awhile to bring you back to your old [tag-tec]horny ways. If he is part of the problem by not wanting sex regularly, this could be why you don’t feel sexy these days. Sometimes we don’t see that, and think we are the only ones with the problem. Regardless of who is not keeping your bed springs squeaking, you need to fix this fast! Sex can be the biggest deal breaker in a relationship. Never give each other an excuse to go out and find it somewhere else! Have sex once on a weekday and at least once on the weekend. No excuses! You both need to make this happen regardless of how busy you are. Put your social life on hold until you get the sex back as a couple. Sometimes all it takes is a few forced sessions to get you back to being the tigress you once were! Let me know you make out…literally LOL
xo Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: How Can I have a Full Sex Life and Keep My Successful Career?

Dear Susan,
I am trying to stay motivated with my career and do not have time to date much right now. I am an attractive, out going 33 year old woman, but worry that if I spend too much time out of the relationship market, I may screw myself down the road. How do I make both my career and love life a healthy compromise? Men say they like independent women, but my experience has always been the opposite.

Hopeful Hannah

ANSWER

Hi Hannah. Your question is one that many career women ask themselves today. It is not easy to be a successful business woman, run a household, raise a family, and be an amazing wife. There are definite compromises that have to be made. Choose a partner that appreciates your ambitions. After all, you will probably be contributing to the finances in a big way. You also have a life, which allows him to have one too. You are not a clingy woman who lives totally for her man, so he won’t feel smothered. He should be somewhat career oriented as well, or he will learn to resent your accomplishments down the road. Men still want to bring home the buffalo, so to speak!

I would suggest paying someone to help out at home so you and your man are not tied to household duties, as well as work commitments. You did not mention you wanted to have children, but if you do have children together, schedule time for a date night where the two of you can have some alone time. Ask for help occasionally from your family, that way the kids get to see their relatives and not just a babysitter. Hire a teenager in the neighborhood to mow your lawn or get your groceries or other errands. It is worth the few dollars in the long run and gives you more time with your family. Be realistic when choosing a career. Some just don’t allow time for children. Don’t be selfish and bring a child into this world, just because you think you should. Family should always take priority over work.

If having a child is not a factor, then being the attractive outgoing woman as you say you are, you will always have the opportunity to meet someone. There is nothing wrong with choosing a career over having a family. Relationships are wonderful but if you are not happy in your career, you won’t make a great partner at home. I have always found that when you aren’t desperately looking for love, it finds you. Keep you eyes and heart open, but don’t give up your aspirations or passions just because you think there is a relationship time frame. Love happens at all ages and sometimes fate brings it around at the perfect time. Good Luck and stay true to yourself.
Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: Single Mom & No Sex…Help me…

Hi Susan,
I am a single Mom who is starting to go stir crazy due to the lack of male affection I receive. My son is 12 years old and I have raised him by myself for 9 years. His father has limited contact due to his “busy lifestyle”, which gives me 90% access time with my son. I am starting to forget what sex is, and do not want to become one of these bitter women who really just need to get laid! Sorry to be so graphic but that is how I am feeling right now. I would be happy if I just had sex once every 2 weeks at this point. It doesn’t have to be a relationship, but I would like it to be with the same guy. Can you steer me in the right direction?

Lonely Mom

ANSWER:

I can totally relate to your question as I had a similar situation while raising my son. There is definitely something to be said for having every other weekend to yourself when your child goes to see the other parent! We all need to re-energize! Our “Friends with Benefits” video may be a good one for you to watch, as we talk about having a partner that is strictly for sex, (with very few strings attached.) The first thing you have to decide is how much free time do you have, and set a “play date” for yourself each week. If your son has baseball practice two times per week, arrange it in that time frame. I always suggest going to “their place” so you can leave when you want to, and not have the embarrassment of your son coming home early one day. If you are having trouble meeting men, I suggest opening up and chatting a little at your son’s school or sporting events. Or talk to a close friend who may know some single men.

There are many lonely single dads who would jump at the chance of a “no strings” bedroom partner. The hardest part is initiating it without feeling guilty or promiscuous. I always use the line: “What are you saving yourself for?” Is your Ex abstaining from enjoying a good sex-life? I think not! Times have changed and both sexes deserve to feel loved or at least sexually satisfied. Get yourself out there and meet a great guy that you can have reciprocal interludes with. You can set your own boundaries and still feel good about yourself. Put that spring back in your step, wipe off the cobwebs and enjoy what nature gave you to use. Orgasms are the new Prozac for Single Moms!
Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: Text Flirting is Driving Me Crazy!

A guy I am interested in texts me regularly, but we have never dated. He is definitely flirting with me and I know he is playing a little hard to get. How long should I wait for him to ask me out in person?

Patricia Patience

ANSWER:

Hi Patricia, thanks for writing. The beavers do not believe in hiding behind a text or voice mail. If someone is interested they do not need 15 messages to start the process. You did not say you had actually met this guy, but regardless, texting should not go on for too long before you set up some type of meeting . It is the same for online dating!Why spend all that time chatting before you even lay eyes on each other? (Chemistry is everything initially.) Who has time to waste with small talk! Let’s get this out in the open and see if he actually wants to make something happen.

Women today need to approach men as well. The days are gone where it is all about men having to do the initiating. In your next text to him, ask if you could buy him a coffee in the next few days. If he makes excuses as to why he is so busy for the next week you will have your answer. If he answers quickly with “when and where” you will be happy to know your instincts were right! Both sexes need to get away from this mixed signals attitude. Don’t wait for them, if you are interested make the first move. Don’t be aggressive, be assertive. If they blow you off, move on. Don’t become a bunny boiler. xoxo Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: I live With A Controlling Woman…

My girlfriend is very controlling and it is starting to wear me down. We have been together for 2 years and just recently had a baby. She has become so controlling that my family has started saying things to me. I do everything around the house and for our child. She just barks orders and complains about everything. I am worried how much my daughter is picking up emotionally from all of this. She wasn’t like this for the first year but lately she ridicules me non-stop, and it doesn’t seem to matter who hears anymore! She doesn’t have any friends and she is estranged from her family. If it wasn’t for our daughter I don’t think I would still be with her. I feel she knows this and takes advantage of it. She has threatened custody issues when I have tried to tell her how she is acting. I am starting to believe she would move away with our daughter just to prove her point! I love my child and do not want to jeopardize not seeing her again. Any suggestions?

Frustrated Father

ANSWER:

I can definitely see why you are frustrated and I would be too. People who use children as a pawn in their relationship are just NASTY! What is it you saw in this woman in the beginning? When someone doesn’t have any friends and is removed from their family, that should be a “big red flag” to anyone in pursuit. I don’t want to lecture you on that but it might be a lesson to you in the future.

Ask yourself these questions: Would her job allow her to move? Does she have the financial resources to move and have no help from you? How much support would she have from anyone else? Have you spoken with a lawyer regarding her threat to move? They may be able to help you legally, by not allowing her to live too far away from the child’s father. You may have to act quickly before she sets anything in motion. Do some research first, there is lots of free advice for fathers out there now!

You are right to question your daughter’s emotional state with all of this. You may not be doing her a favor staying in this environment, even though you think it is best for the child to have two parents in the same house. You have to respect yourself first, so that you teach your daughter how to respect herself. Allowing someone to control you, and to be somewhat of a doormat is not a good teaching tool for your children. It will not be a healthy or safe place for your daughter to come home to if you allow your girlfriend’s behavior to continue. Maybe by actually standing up her and taking action, she may see how badly she has been behaving? The way I look at it, your situation can only improve by not allowing it to continue.
xoxo Susan McCord

VIEWER QUESTION: My Friend Is Sabotaging Her Relationships…

I have a friend that is very depressed that she is still single at 40. She has never been married but turns her nose up at men she meets that have also not been married. She also makes comments on trivial things about men and won’t see them again because of it. I don’t understand her double standard and I feel this is part of the reason why she isn’t meeting someone. I have tried to tell her she is being negative, and her “nit picking checklist” is ruining her chance of meeting a quality man. She just shrugs it off. She is becoming bitter and it is hard to be around her. She is estranged from her parents and her brothers live in another Country. She doesn’t seem to have much of a support group. What advice do you have for her?

Concerned Pal

ANSWER:

What a great “pal” you are for taking the time to write on her behalf. The message I get from what you wrote, is that she is sabotaging her own happiness by finding fault with each guy. Many people do not feel they deserve to be in a loving relationship and judging by what you said about her family, this is probably the case. If you weren’t shown love as a child, it is hard to know what it is, or how to bring it into your life. She sounds like she may be getting angry as the years go by, because she hasn’t dealt with this underlying issue. It is interesting how human nature works sometimes. The one thing we really want, we push away! It is all about self-esteem in the end. I would advise that your friend seek some counseling very soon, or she will not only remain single, but also lose you and other friends who are tired of her negativity. It’s never too late to make changes in your life. xoxo Susan McCord