Welcome to Susan McCord’s Advice Column at http://www.beavertalk.com All questions pertaining to Dating/Relationships/ Lifestyle & Alternative Lifestyles will be answered. This “Gender Friendly” Advice Column will always give you honest, non-judgmental answers to varied questions you may have. Men’s and Woman’s Issues are discussed openly. Don’t be shy, Susan isnt’! Her answers will be bold and to the point. No sugar coating in this column. Readers will always have “something to think about” with her responses.
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Re: My Most Recent Breakup
I have been meaning to message you since Canada Day, and I just wanted to say thank you for being one of the people there for me during my time of need and all your advice over the last 6 months with my recent breakup. I recently met a girl (Sandy) who I used to see at church a lot and I would always try to get her attention and she told me she would always do the same with me, I just never noticed?? Anyway, I found out that she worked at a supermarket close by & lives a block away from my home. Long story short, that’s right Susan, she’s the girl who has made it possible for me to move on from my past girlfriend, and the best part is she appreciates all the nice things I do for her. (I bring her lunch during her break, I always compliment her smile & how pretty I think she is. I am also taking it very slow with her, but we did just kiss recently. I just couldn’t resist anymore & she said she was happy I didn’t wait. (She’ll be 18 in October which makes her a Libra, not sure if you follow the zodiac signs?)
Sandy is very mature & well mannered and has also shared a similar heartbreak at her young age. We seem to have a lot in common & it is so nice not to to have all the game playing like I did in my last relationship! She is planning to go to the same college as me which I was really happy to hear.
It’s possible that she may be a virgin but sex right now isn’t an issue. I’m just so fucking happy (excuse my language) to have met someone that makes me “want” to be in a relationship again
I’m also thinking about asking her to be my girlfriend, what do you think? Or is that too old school? I want her to feel special.
best regards, Jordan from London,England
That is so great to hear & thanks for keeping me updated. I am so happy that things are going so well for you. When I told you that things should not be so difficult when a relationship is “right” I think you are now seeing what I meant. Good for you~
As far as asking her to be your girlfriend, I think she may already know that she is but if you want to make it more formal, I would tell her you would like to be exclusive with her & does she feel the same way? Rather than asking her, you are being forth right with how ready you are to be with her & how you feel. Most women still like to hear a man put his emotions on the table, so they don’t have to guess what he is thinking or where she stands in the relationship.
Yes, I do follow Astrology to some degree as I find it quite interesting how true some of it can be. My son is a Libra & so is his girlfriend so I am well aware of that sign lol…Let me know what happens xoxo
VIEWER QUESTION: My Pregnant Girlfriend Is Ignoring Me~What Do I do?
Hello, I was just wondering if I could get a quick bit of advice, me and my girlfriend have only been together for 5 months, and shes 4 months pregnant, yes i know its a bit fast, but I’ve known her for 2 years, we got on like a house on fire, and we are very excited to be starting a family together. We have had our ups and downs just like everyone, but we just forgive & forget and move on but she hasn’t spoken to me in 5 days. She said that she just needs a break and she will tell me when shes ready. I don’t know if I’ve done anything wrong or haven’t done anything, but I was just wondering if there is a reason to this?
I’m guessing its hormones and she just needs a bit of space, but it is already a long distance relationship… well 30 miles, and I thought she had space with that?? We talk around 2-4 hours daily but I only get to see her every other weekend [twice a month] What do you think is going on?
Thank you for your advice, Steven
I think you may be right about the hormones but women are usually more clingy during those times. She may be feeling forced into this situation due to the fact that she got pregnant a month after you hooked up and didn’t have time to get to know how she really felt about you. She is probably re-evaluating her future right now as this is a life changing time for her. New man, baby on the way, new hormones she’s never felt before, living in separate towns etc. That is a lot to digest.
The only way you will know if she truly wants to be in a relationship with you, is to honor her “space” and remove yourself temporarily. Let HER do all the contacting & if she doesn’t, do not call or text/email. You need to know if she is into you. She is calling the shots right now & as much as it is killing you not knowing, you will get your answer soon enough. Be realistic about what she has said to you. Is there plans to be with her & help raise the baby? How old is she? Does she live at home? Does she have family support? These are all things you didn’t say so I don’t know the whole situation.
Good luck with everything Steven, you are a “stand up” guy wanting to take responsibility & that is wonderful. So many men would have run the other way. Good for you!!!
Thanks for writing ~ Susan
VIEWER QUESTION: My girlfriend is very sarcastic and it is starting to get to me…
I hope you can help me with this and I appreciate you being totally honest with how you respond. My girlfriend of 5 years is a beautiful woman but she is not happy in her job as a waitress. (On the contrary I love my job as a firefighter.) We live together and were inseparable for the first 3 years. She has always been a little sarcastic and I used to think it was funny & meant in a lighthearted way. Now I feel she is using it at my expense & I do not find it humorous in the least, and it’s very derogatory. She has a few girlfriends that she treats the same way and I have noticed they are coming around less & less. I have told her how I feel but she can’t seem to help herself and is still sarcastic on a daily basis. I am almost ready to leave our relationship but still love her. What do you suggest?
Almost Done Daniel
Hi Daniel, I am so glad you wrote! I am not a fan of sarcasm and never have been. It has a very small place in the world of communication but occasionally there can be some funny one liners & needed comebacks. For the most part though, it is a nasty way of verbalizing what someone really wants to say in a negative way. They think if they add humor it will lose the real intent of their feelings. Sarcasm is used by people who are insecure for the most part. It makes them feel better by shutting someone else down in a playful way. The problem is, it isn’t playful after the second & third time it is repeated.
You mentioned your girlfriend is not happy in her job, that is where her insecurity lies. She is mad at herself for not changing her life & takes it out on you by using these sarcastic jabs. You on the other hand, have a prestigious job where many women put you on a pedestal. This just adds fuel to her insecurities & she unknowingly sabotages your relationship. If you truly love her & want to salvage this partnership, these three things need to be addressed:
1) She needs to leave her job ~ even if it means you supporting her while she goes to school or learns a new career.
2) Communicate to her how this sarcasm has to stop or you will leave the house every time she uses it. It is not to be tolerated and she needs to realize how often it is happening. (No confrontation, just remove yourself from the situation.)
3) Make sure you are giving her positive feedback on a regular basis as this will contribute to her feeling less insecure as well.
Making these alterations should put you on your way to a stronger & healthier relationship. Good for you for caring and making the effort to fix things at home. So many people would just walk out & not even try to understand how to correct it. Your girlfriend may just need a little support to change her ways.
VIEWER QUESTION: I am a 30 year old Male…
Hi there Susan, I need you to answer a question for me. I am a reasonably attractive 30 year old male and have no trouble meeting women for the most part. What bothers me is the attitude of many of the women I seem to come in contact with. They come across really high maintenance and stuck up! I frequent many different venues but all the women seem to be the same. I do have an affection for beautiful ladies who are under 25, do you think that could be the problem and maybe I should try dating older women?
Fed Up Phil
Hi Phil…I am glad you wrote in about this, as many other male viewers feel the same way you do. I always ask them the same question: “Did you observe any of these women before you spoke to them?” You mentioned that you like beautiful women under 25. You are stereotyping these women to be high maintenance but you continue to go for this type. Pardon me for saying this, but have you ever considered yourself to be high maintenance also, and you will only date in a certain league?
There are many gorgeous women who are also really sweet, but you seem to like the ones who are a lot of work. If you spent some time watching a girl you were attracted to, you could tell so much about her in less than 15 minutes. See how she reacts to the waitress or other people she comes in contact with. Check out her body language. Is she confident, cocky or rude? Does she smile easily? Does she pay attention to her friends or is she all about meeting a guy or having her drinks bought for her?
In answer to your last question, older women can be great. They usually don’t play games, which makes them easier to meet and more fun to date. If you are really attracted to your own age group though, you don’t have to give up that priority. Just don’t make it all about T&A or if she looks good on your arm walking down the street! Ask yourself why you are going for these Hollywood Trophy Types. I hate to use a cliché Phil, but “beauty truly is only skin deep.” If she doesn’t have some of that on the inside too, it is only a matter of time until her looks will fade on the outside. Give the nice girls a chance too, you might be surprised how attractive they really are! Keep in touch~
VIEWER QUESTION: Help I am a Paranoid Woman Who Checks my boyfriend’s…
Call me paranoid but I have a habit of checking the history on my boyfriend’s computer. I’m quite often horrified to find he’s been at a number of porn sites. I’ve checked them out and they don’t seem to be anything illegal but they are extremely graphic. I have not yet raised the issue but I’m scared he’s addicted to them as our sex life isn’t what it used to be. How do I know if he’s a sex addict or is this normal for a man in his 20s?
Whenever a relationship starts playing out like a Spy TV Series, you are with the wrong partner. The fact that he hasn’t spoken to you about his porn affections, means he is not comfortable talking to you about it, or “owning” this fantasy.
If you were sexually open as a couple, he wouldn’t have to be secretive. Start talking to him regularly or remove yourself from this scenario. You shouldn’t be going through his computer history at any time. It could be you are the one with the problem, and that problem is lack of trust. Have you ever asked yourself why you are truly with him? Susan McCord
VIEWER QUESTION: Am I A Gossip?…
I work in a small company where the employees work very closely with one another. A few weeks ago I was complaining about one of my colleagues and I’m sure she overheard. I’m not usually a gossip but I was very upset and disappointed by her work performance. Now everyone is taking sides, making it personal, and the atmosphere is very tense. How do take back what I said to her when the situation has rippled into a major problem for all?
You started this ball rolling so it is up to you to stop it from escalating further. You need to get everyone together for a meeting and apologize for your gossipy behavior. Anytime you are annoyed by a co-workers performance, it should always be discussed privately. It is a lot harder to “disappear” in a smaller office, making diplomacy a needed tool when problem solving.
Learn from this situation and improve your work environment by being upfront and honest with everyone. Backstabbing comments are hurtful and no one wants to be on the receiving end of that. Let me know how it works out.
VIEWER QUESTION: My Best Friend’s Fiance Is Hitting on me…
I hate the man my best friend is marrying. He is abrasive, chauvinistic and sometimes I even feel like he is hitting on me. I don’t even feel like I can approach my friend about this because she keeps telling me how perfect he is for her. Can I tell her how I feel?
This is your “best” friend so it should be a no-brainer. Diplomacy is everything when discussing sensitive subjects. Leave out the hurtful parts about him humping your leg at any given chance, and start off gently with something you, and a few other friends noticed. There is an old saying that if more than two people tell you the same thing, you should listen!
Women really need to be more like men when it comes to these issues. Men say it like it is, and don’t hold a grudge. Don’t let her make the biggest mistake of her life. It is worth a little confrontation if it means saving her from a life of relationship Hell. We could all use a friend like that!
VIEWER QUESTION: How Can I have a Full Sex Life and Keep My Successful Career?
I am trying to stay motivated with my career and do not have time to date much right now. I am an attractive, out going 33 year old woman, but worry that if I spend too much time out of the relationship market, I may screw myself down the road. How do I make both my career and love life a healthy compromise? Men say they like independent women, but my experience has always been the opposite.
Hi Hannah. Your question is one that many career women ask themselves today. It is not easy to be a successful business woman, run a household, raise a family, and be an amazing wife. There are definite compromises that have to be made. Choose a partner that appreciates your ambitions. After all, you will probably be contributing to the finances in a big way. You also have a life, which allows him to have one too. You are not a clingy woman who lives totally for her man, so he won’t feel smothered. He should be somewhat career oriented as well, or he will learn to resent your accomplishments down the road. Men still want to bring home the buffalo, so to speak!
I would suggest paying someone to help out at home so you and your man are not tied to household duties, as well as work commitments. You did not mention you wanted to have children, but if you do have children together, schedule time for a date night where the two of you can have some alone time. Ask for help occasionally from your family, that way the kids get to see their relatives and not just a babysitter. Hire a teenager in the neighborhood to mow your lawn or get your groceries or other errands. It is worth the few dollars in the long run and gives you more time with your family. Be realistic when choosing a career. Some just don’t allow time for children. Don’t be selfish and bring a child into this world, just because you think you should. Family should always take priority over work.
If having a child is not a factor, then being the attractive outgoing woman as you say you are, you will always have the opportunity to meet someone. There is nothing wrong with choosing a career over having a family. Relationships are wonderful but if you are not happy in your career, you won’t make a great partner at home. I have always found that when you aren’t desperately looking for love, it finds you. Keep you eyes and heart open, but don’t give up your aspirations or passions just because you think there is a relationship time frame. Love happens at all ages and sometimes fate brings it around at the perfect time. Good Luck and stay true to yourself.
VIEWER QUESTION: Single Mom & No Sex…Help me…
I am a single Mom who is starting to go stir crazy due to the lack of male affection I receive. My son is 12 years old and I have raised him by myself for 9 years. His father has limited contact due to his “busy lifestyle”, which gives me 90% access time with my son. I am starting to forget what sex is, and do not want to become one of these bitter women who really just need to get laid! Sorry to be so graphic but that is how I am feeling right now. I would be happy if I just had sex once every 2 weeks at this point. It doesn’t have to be a relationship, but I would like it to be with the same guy. Can you steer me in the right direction?
I can totally relate to your question as I had a similar situation while raising my son. There is definitely something to be said for having every other weekend to yourself when your child goes to see the other parent! We all need to re-energize! Our “Friends with Benefits” video may be a good one for you to watch, as we talk about having a partner that is strictly for sex, (with very few strings attached.) The first thing you have to decide is how much free time do you have, and set a “play date” for yourself each week. If your son has baseball practice two times per week, arrange it in that time frame. I always suggest going to “their place” so you can leave when you want to, and not have the embarrassment of your son coming home early one day. If you are having trouble meeting men, I suggest opening up and chatting a little at your son’s school or sporting events. Or talk to a close friend who may know some single men.
There are many lonely single dads who would jump at the chance of a “no strings” bedroom partner. The hardest part is initiating it without feeling guilty or promiscuous. I always use the line: “What are you saving yourself for?” Is your Ex abstaining from enjoying a good sex-life? I think not! Times have changed and both sexes deserve to feel loved or at least sexually satisfied. Get yourself out there and meet a great guy that you can have reciprocal interludes with. You can set your own boundaries and still feel good about yourself. Put that spring back in your step, wipe off the cobwebs and enjoy what nature gave you to use.Orgasms are the new Prozac for Single Moms!
VIEWER QUESTION: Text Flirting is Driving Me Crazy!
A guy I am interested in texts me regularly, but we have never dated. He is definitely flirting with me and I know he is playing a little hard to get. How long should I wait for him to ask me out in person?
Hi Patricia, thanks for writing. The beavers do not believe in hiding behind a text or voice mail. If someone is interested they do not need 15 messages to start the process. You did not say you had actually met this guy, but regardless, texting should not go on for too long before you set up some type of meeting . It is the same for online dating! Why spend all that time chatting before you even lay eyes on each other? Chemistry is everything initially.) Who has time to waste with small talk! Let’s get this out in the open and see if he actually wants to make something happen.
Women today need to approach men as well. The days are gone where it is all about men having to do the initiating. In your next text to him, ask if you could buy him a coffee in the next few days. If he makes excuses as to why he is so busy for the next week you will have your answer. If he answers quickly with “when and where” you will be happy to know your instincts were right! Both sexes need to get away from this mixed signals attitude. Don’t wait for them, if you are interested make the first move. Don’t be aggressive, be assertive. If they blow you off, move on. Don’t become a bunny boiler.
xoxo Susan McCord
VIEWER QUESTION: I live With A Controlling Woman…
My girlfriend is very controlling and it is starting to wear me down. We have been together for 2 years and just recently had a baby. She has become so controlling that my family has started saying things to me. I do everything around the house and for our child. She just barks orders and complains about everything. I am worried how much my daughter is picking up emotionally from all of this. She wasn’t like this for the first year but lately she ridicules me non-stop, and it doesn’t seem to matter who hears anymore! She doesn’t have any friends and she is estranged from her family. If it wasn’t for our daughter I don’t think I would still be with her. I feel she knows this and takes advantage of it. She has threatened custody issues when I have tried to tell her how she is acting. I am starting to believe she would move away with our daughter just to prove her point! I love my child and do not want to jeopardize not seeing her again. Any suggestions?
I can definitely see why you are frustrated and I would be too. People who use children as a pawn in their relationship are just NASTY! What is it you saw in this woman in the beginning? When someone doesn’t have any friends and is removed from their family, that should be a “big red flag” to anyone in pursuit. I don’t want to lecture you on that but it might be a lesson to you in the future.
Ask yourself these questions: Would her job allow her to move? Does she have the financial resources to move and have no help from you? How much support would she have from anyone else? Have you spoken with a lawyer regarding her threat to move? They may be able to help you legally, by not allowing her to live too far away from the child’s father. You may have to act quickly before she sets anything in motion. Do some research first, there is lots of free advice for fathers out there now!
You are right to question your daughter’s emotional state with all of this. You may not be doing her a favor staying in this environment, even though you think it is best for the child to have two parents in the same house. You have to respect yourself first, so that you teach your daughter how to respect herself. Allowing someone to control you, and to be somewhat of a doormat is not a good teaching tool for your children. It will not be a healthy or safe place for your daughter to come home to if you allow your girlfriend’s behavior to continue. Maybe by actually standing up her and taking action, she may see how badly she has been behaving? The way I look at it, your situation can only improve by not allowing it to continue.
xoxo Susan McCord
VIEWER QUESTION: My Friend Is Sabotaging Her Relationships…
I have a friend that is very depressed that she is still single at 40. She has never been married but turns her nose up at men she meets that have also not been married. She also makes comments on trivial things about men and won’t see them again because of it. I don’t understand her double standard and I feel this is part of the reason why she isn’t meeting someone. I have tried to tell her she is being negative, and her “nit picking checklist” is ruining her chance of meeting a quality man. She just shrugs it off. She is becoming bitter and it is hard to be around her. She is estranged from her parents and her brothers live in another Country. She doesn’t seem to have much of a support group. What advice do you have for her?
What a great “pal” you are for taking the time to write on her behalf. The message I get from what you wrote, is that she is sabotaging her own happiness by finding fault with each guy. Many people do not feel they deserve to be in a loving relationship and judging by what you said about her family, this is probably the case. If you weren’t shown love as a child, it is hard to know what it is, or how to bring it into your life. She sounds like she may be getting angry as the years go by, because she hasn’t dealt with this underlying issue. It is interesting how human nature works sometimes. The one thing we really want, we push away! It is all about self-esteem in the end. I would advise that your friend seek some counseling very soon, or she will not only remain single, but also lose you and other friends who are tired of her negativity. It’s never too late to make changes in your life.
xoxo Susan McCord